Inchoate Ramblings

There are times when it all becomes to much. When that which normally is bearable becomes a burden I have to put down. When the facades we construct through our endless diversions and distractions crumble, their ephemeral nature revealed far too quickly and completely to ever again find comfort in the shade of their illusion.

Tonight is one of those times. Its one of those times when I am lonely and needy. When I miss Cameron so much its palpable, and when my disgust with myself for missing him is equally inflamed. When I wish Nathan would just pick up the fucking phone, and when I wish I could pick it up. When I crave to return to another life, and when I refuse to accept that this is it.

My best friend is leaving on fieldwork, and I am in the processes of leaving. I am panicking and I don’t want to go. With his departure the comfort I have spun across my Canberra existance in the last 6 months frays at the edges, and my paucity of options becomes manifest. I want to throw a tantrum and get my mum to phone in sick for me whilst I hide under the doona. I want to stay up all night watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy in the belief that if I don’t sleep, then it can never be tomorrow. I want to wear someone elses life, to walk along paths that aren’t mine and to have something to come back to that isn’t this.  I am caught between rejecting the immediate future and a gross sickness with the interminable present. Between clasping at the hour hand to cease its inevitable progression and pushing it on fast foward to those temptingly different things that at currents hang just out of reach.

Sad songs on repeat……….the same lines read over and over again…… facebook and youtube………knowing silences and wistful smiles………hours of reminiscing and tears that don’t flow……… an office without a point……

Since when did these become the parameters of my existence.